Witty and Ironic Title

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Wed Oct 26

An open letter to Dan Kois (a fucking shitfuck hack of an awful fucking terrible shitty writer)

An open letter to, Dan Kois, the writer who spoiled the season finale of Breaking Bad in this recent editorial:

Spoiler warning for season 4 on both the article and this letter:

——————

Mr Kois,
I am writing to you regarding your recent opinion piece in the New York Times magazine, “The New Rules for TV Spoilers”, and how utterly inane and small-minded it is. My first gripe with you is personal: having a busy schedule, I have not yet been able to watch the finale to the 4th season of Breaking Bad. Through the respect of majority of my friends and the people I follow on twitter, I have been able to avoid spoilers for the episode and look forward to watching at as soon as I’m allowed a break from my school work. However, a brief skim through the first paragraph of your article has completely revealed the ending of the finale and rendered all tension useless. It’s even not me that you’ve transgressed upon, but someone who has just discovered the show and is catching up on DVD or Netflix. The entirety of the 3rd and 4th seasons rests upon the tension that exists between Walt and Gus, and the suspense that is built up to their final confrontation. In thoughtlessly revealing what happens, you have cheated countless viewers out of the same experience that was afforded to you. The most egregious part of this is that there was almost no reason for you to provide these examples. The hypothetical tweets that you posed were hack material, and not even remotely funny or poignant. It seems to me that you took some sort of rebellious and childish pleasure out of needlessly spoiling the ending to one of the most hyped and beloved shows on television, all in order to make an inconsequential point.

You might argue that the season finale happened a few weeks ago, and that you shouldn’t have to accomodate and consider other people when you write your monosyllabic nothing-reviews. This indicates a larger and more conceptual flaw in your logic that shows how truly regressive and inconsiderate your editorial is. You, in the year 2011, still seem to view television as an instant art-form that must consumed immediately to have any value. You seem to have no problem saying this in the face of more and more viewers consuming television through DVD and DVR technology. A person can never go back and watch Twin Peaks and expect to not have it spoiled because they missed it 10 years ago? A person can’t have a schedule that is incompatible with television programming/the schedule of a person who’s entire job revolves around watching and commenting on television. You state that people who want to leave their favorite shows unspoiled should just stay off twitter, well twitter is an important part of my life, and I’ve managed to construct a timeline of accommodating individuals who have the common decency to at least throw in a casual “SPOILER WARNING:” before their tweet. It seems that maybe your problem with such strict rules on spoilers is that you don’t have much else to say aside from the odd sub-par reference to Batman. Maybe people who want to avoid spoilers shouldn’t just stay off twitter, they shouldn’t read any of Dan Kois’ pieces. Then again, I’m not really sure anybody should.
-Daniel Perez

Thu Oct 20

[untitled]

Breathe on me
Hot doggy

Hot doggy dog breath
I want you to breath it

Doggy breath on my face
Doggy breath all over the place

Dog dog dog dog
Dog dog dog dog

A foolish quandary
Sophomoric turkey

Thu Sep 15

A song

ho looks like a slut

ya dam ho looks like a slut

ho looks like a slut

ho ho ho looks like a slut

Tue Aug 2

You Don’t Have To Hate Yourself (A Poem of Self-Affirmation)

You know, you don’t have to hate yourself.
In reality, you’re probably not that much of a fucking disgusting piece of shit.
You’re desperate and alone on this prison planet, but only about 45% of that is entirely your fault.
You’ve driven away everyone that’s ever cared about or loved you, but now that all those distractions are gone you have time to focus on things that really matter like fantasy football.
And don’t worry, there’s no shame in being in a fantasy football league by yourself.
Yes, your parents died disappointed with you for not meeting the drastically low expectations they had for you, but you make an awesome bean dip.
Your coworkers really bought that lie about flying to St. Louis for Thanksgiving, they probably had no idea that you spent 6 sleepless days masturbating to Xena: Warrior Princess covered in a thin film of Cheeto dust.
Remember to celebrate the small victories everyday, like the parking spot you got outside of Best Buy last month.
Think of all the diseases that you don’t have, and the lies that you could tell people to convince them that you do have said diseases in order to gain some sympathy.
Never give up, tiger. You’ll lose that virginity some day.

M.A.T.I.L.D.A.

Masculine and juvenile, yet wise and sensual beyond your years
Authentic and genuine, you don’t let others affect you
To cup the warmth of your sweet and full bosom is naught but a dream to me
I would fend off the dark forces of a thousand hells in order to please and protect you
Let me into your heart, receive me through the window of your gentle yet powerful soul
Don’t leave me in the dirt like a piece of fucking garbage you terrible and evil cunt
Ass that just won’t quit

Mon Jan 31
Characters - watch more funny videos

for your consideration

Tue Jan 25

Oscar Pool ‘11

Annual Oscar Pool picks. Half gone by what I know should win and half gone by what probably will win.

Best Picture 
“The Social Network”

Best Direction
David Fincher for “The Social Network”

Actor in a Leading Role
Colin Firth in “The King’s Speech”

Actress in a Leading Role
Natalie Portman in “Black Swan”

Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale in “The Fighter”

Actress in a Supporting Role
Hailee Steinfeld in “True Grit”

Adapted Screenplay
Aaron Sorkin for “The Social Network”

Original Screenplay
David Seidler for “The King’s Speech”

Animated Feature
“Toy Story 3″

Art Direction
“The King’s Speech”: Eve Stewart (Production Design), Judy Farr (Set Decoration)

Cinematography
“Black Swan”: Matthew Libatique

Costume Design
“Alice in Wonderland”: Colleen Atwood

Documentary (Feature)
“Exit through the Gift Shop”

Documentary (Short Subject)
“Poster Girl”

Film Editing
“The Social Network”: Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter

Foreign Language Film
“Biutiful”: Mexico

Makeup
“Barney’s Version”: Adrien Morot

Music (Original Score)
“The Social Network”: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

Music (Original Song)
“I See the Light” from “Tangled” Music by Alan Menken Lyric by Glenn Slater

Short Film (Animated)
“Day & Night”: Teddy Newton

Short Film (Live Action)
“The Crush”: Michael Creagh

Sound Editing
“Inception”: Richard King

Sound Mixing
“The Social Network”: Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick and Mark Weingarten

Visual Effects
“Inception”: Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley and Peter Bebb

Sun Jan 2

The Top 10 Films of 2010

    It’s not easy to do a year as good as this one for films justice while only mentioning ten, but here’s my poorly-written and pretentious take. As a sidenote, I’ve made this list without seeing films that I’m sure I would love, most notably Never Let Me Go, Black Swan, 127 Hours, Carlos, Dogtooth and Winter’s Bone. This is as best a list as can be managed without seeing those, but I’m fairly confident that the top three or four would remain intact. (Also I fucking suck at formatting shit on tumblr)

10. How To Train Your Dragon


     It’s hard to help but feel that so much of the praise garnered by this film is largely based on the fact that nobody would expect it to be this good. Regardless of that, the film actually is pretty unbelievably good. Even without the emotional connection between a boy and his pet, the representation of teenage alienation from one’s culture and family, the visualization of the dangers of mass hysteria, and the hilarious antics of the younger vikings, we’d still have the flight sequences. And how amazing those flight sequences really are, easily the best interpretation of flight that’s been contained by an animated film in recent memory. Beautiful landscapes, strong characters, an inventive setting, and (mostly) great voice acting.This is all coming from someone who didn’t even see the film in 3D.

9. A Prophet (Un Prophète)

While The Wire never got around to examining the intricacies of the French prison system and the Corsican mafia, it’s hard to imagine it being very different from what is done in A Prophet. Trading the scatter-shot focus and ensemble cast of that show for a singular focus upon one man, A Prophet presents a sprawling portrait of the life of a 19-year-old Arab immigrant in a French prison. Even before the fellatio-based assassination plot, it’s already clear that the film is something special, and the turns taken throughout the film only continue to live up to this promise. Just as gripping when he’s cleaning up blood with his only t-shirt as when he’s making the first strides towards full literacy.


8. Catfish


    The Internet-wide embargo on spoilers for this movie probably did ultimately more to hurt people’s reactions to it than to help. The joy and intrigue granted to those who initially viewed the film completely cold at Sundance lead to the idea that any detail about the story was an irreconcilable spoiler. In that case, hopefully the next sentence cannot be considered a spoiler: this is a film about people on the Internet, how things are often not what they seem, family, desperation and loneliness. I, for one, fully buy everything that happens in the movie and reject the idea that it is a fictionalized documentary. Mystery and suspense lead up to an emotionally devastating climax, that will completely alter the way you feel about and use the Internet. The final line, and explanation of the title, serves as a maxim that rings ever-true. Some people are catfish, and we need them to keep us on our feet.

7. Toy Story 3


    Really no surprise that this movie turned out to be as amazing as it was. I’d go so far as to say that it transcends the golden standard of joyful and heartwarming cinema that we’ve come to expect from Pixar, and is something more. A heartbreaking yet optimistic tale of age, obsolescence, worth, and purpose, If Toy Story 3 doesn’t leave you mixing tears with a smile you might just not have a soul. The film can ultimately be seen to have two denouements, one of which is epic and soulcrushing, the other redemptive and magnificent. The two work in conjunction to leave you left with and unnerving, confusing sense of fulfilment. I’d go so far to call it a religious experience.

6. Exit Through the Gift Shop

Exit Through The Gift doesn’t suffer from the same dilemma that a movie like I’m Still Here, and to a lesser extent Catfish, does. If the film is fake, it’s a brilliant commentary on the nature of art, inspiration, originality, the youtube culture, creativity and celebrity; not to mention that it’s damn funny. If the film is genuine, it’s an achievement in simply capturing the life of an incredibly unique individual and a glimpse into a world that is not nearly as heavily documented as it should be. Great footage of street art in motion and a fascinating protagonist make this film truly notable. The film’s mission statement is summed up in Banksy’s great closing line: “perhaps it means maybe, art is a bit of a joke”.


5. True Grit


    While I disagree with the idea that this is the Coen Brothers’ first straight genre exercise (It’s called Miller’s Crossing, Robert), it is certainly one of their most cohesive and gripping. Most immediately notable for Hailee Steinfeld’s breakout role as Mattie Ross in what is, alert the hyperbole police, probably the best debut performance from a child actor that I can remember. Steinfeld, Damon, and Bridges breath life into three fully formed characters under the brilliant direction of the Coen’s, leading up to a climax that was probably one of my most joyful cinematic experiences of the year.  Josh Brolin and Barry Pepper don’t even show up until the last 20 minutes and live up to the promises that unseen villains can rarely fulfill. It’s not easy to make a film that more often than not trades dialogue and intrigue for violence feel so action packed. Plus there’s a guy who thinks he’s a rooster or some shit.

4. Scott Pilgrim Vs The World


    Really a perfect storm of a film for me. Michael Cera has been one of my comedic idols since before I got into Arrested Development, Edgar Wright’s movies have provided me with more enjoyment than the majority of other comedies, the original Scott Pilgrim graphic novels are kind of like a nerded out Catcher In The Rye for me, I love the music referenced and utilized in both the comics and movies, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead looks amazing with blue hair. To live up to fan expectations for this property was an insurmountable task, but Wright pulled it off and created an instant cult classic. Funny, heartfelt, honest, and inventive, I’m in lesbians with this movie.

3. Inception

If you thought it was too complex you didn’t get it, and if you thought it wasn’t complex enough then you definitely didn’t get it. A full-scale, big budget, action movie that presents original science-fiction ideas like this is more than hard to come by. The ensemble cast brings forth a wealth of intriguing performances, even when some actors have less than 10 minutes of screentime. It solidified people like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Cillian Murphy and Ellen Page as should-be household names, and put Tom Hardy on the map where he belongs. It works as a heist film, action movie, and exploration of science-fiction concepts all at once. And to address critics of the film’s exposition, I defy you to explain the functions of inception and extraction in a more streamlined way.


2. Mother (Madeo)

A film that defies expectation at every turn, and makes you feel like an idiot for not expecting where its going. Even foregoing the film’s final revelation (Which should remain unspoiled more than anything like Catfish) Bong Joon-Ho is able to twist the plot in ways that would come across cheap in the hands of any lesser filmmaker. The layers of the film peel away artfully, from a family drama - to a somewhat unconventional crime story - to morality tale - to a full formed meditation on motherhood, mental illness, and guilt. The symbolism that Bong-Joon Ho implements, ranging from the golf ball to the cell phone, culminates in a heartbreaking final shot of Kim Hye-Ja and the other parents riding off into the sunset on the bus tour. It’s hard not to see the fiery landscape and writhing figures as Mother’s own personal, guilt-wrought hell.


1. The Social Network

In 2000, when remarking upon Radiohead’s landmark, genre-defying, groundbreaking LP, Kid A, Ryan Schreiber asked “what’s left to be said about Kid A?” - 10 years later, we’re still finding new ways to comment on the nuances and geniuses of that album. It seems that a similar phenomenon has already begun to surround David Fincher’s The Social Network.

We can talk about what the film says about youth, technology, ambition, intuition, friendship, the internet, relationships, intellectualism, education, motivation, invention, intellectual property, originality, and more without end, but does that even really matter. Let’s just look at what this film has. It has Oscar-caliber performances from Eisenberg, Garfield, Timberlake and Hammer. It has a script that reads like Tolstoy and Tarantino squeezed through a router and played at twice the speed. It has a score from Trent Reznor that makes any of Nine Inch Nails’ output seem like a bad joke. It has special effects breakthroughs that boggle the mind with subtlety like nothing else. It has a rowing sequence that serves as an allegory for the whole story, finding the perfect balance between subtlety and heavy-handedness. It has comedic moments that’ll have you mixing heaves of laughter with the shivers down your spine. It has a denouement that turns basic web-browsing into a heart-warming moment of redemption. This is the movie we’ll be talking about for longer than any of us can imagine.

Wed Dec 30

Top 25 Albums of 2009

  1. Animal Collective // Merriweather Post Pavilion + Fall Be Kind EP
  2. Grizzly Bear // Veckatimest                                  
  3. Atlas Sound // Logos                                                                 
  4. Baroness // Blue Record                                      
  5. Neon Indian // Psychic Chasms                           
  6. Bat For Lashes // Two Suns                              
  7. Raekwon // Only Built 4 Cuban Linx… Pt 2               
  8. The Flaming Lips // Embryonic                        
  9. Fever Ray // Fever Ray                                  
  10. Isis // Wavering Radiant                                       
  11. Passion Pit // Manners                                      
  12. Wavves // Wavvves                                        
  13. Yeah Yeah Yeahs // Its Blitz!                              
  14. The xx // xx                                                   
  15. Wild Beasts // Two Dancers                                 
  16. Dirty Projectors // Bitte Orca                             
  17. Girls // Album                                                      
  18. Phoenix // Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix                        
  19. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart // The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
  20. Bear In Heaven // Beast Rest Forth Mouth             
  21. The Mountain Goats // The Life of the World to Come
  22. Cymbals Eat Guitars // Why There Are Mountains
  23. The Antlers // Hospice                                    
  24. Dinosaur Jr // Farm                                         
  25. Japandroids // Post-Nothing                               
Sat Dec 12

Nerd Alert: Top 30 Albums of the Decade

It’s pretty ridiculous to try to consolidate 10 years of amazing music into 30 albums, but after Pitchfork and Rolling Stone and everybody on the planet’s these are mine. Here we gooooooo

(too lazy for reverse order)

1.    Radiohead // Kid A (2000)

2.    Animal Collective // Merriweather Post Pavilion (2009)

3.    Modest Mouse // The Moon & Antarctica (2000)

4.    Radiohead // In Rainbows (2007)

5.   TV on the Radio // Return To Cookie Mountain (2006)

6.   The Microphones // The Glow Pt 2 (2001)

7.    Grizzly Bear // Veckatimest (2009)

8.    Deerhunter // Microcastle (2008)

9.    Radiohead // Hail To The Thief (2003)

10.  Madvillain // Madvillainy (2004)

11.  Arcade Fire // Funeral (2004)

12.  Panda Bear // Person Pitch (2007)

13.  Animal Collective // Feels (2005)

14.  Lil’ Wayne // Tha Carter 3 (2008)

15.  TV On The Radio // Dear Science (2008)

16.  Deerhunter // Cryptograms (2007)

17.  Animal Collective // Strawberry Jam (2007)

18.  Grizzly Bear // Yellow House (2007)

19.  M.I.A. // Kala (2006)

20.  Interpol // Turn On The Bright Lights (2002)

21.  Kanye West // Late Registration (2005)

22.  The Microphones // Mount Eerie (2003)

23.  Bloc Party // Silent Alarm (2005)

24.  Atlas Sound // Logos (2009)

25.  Liars // Drum’s Not Dead (2007)

26.  Los Campesinos! // We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed (2008)

27.  The Unicorns // Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? (2004)

28.  The Shins // Oh, Inverted World (2001)

29.  Los Campesinos! // Hold On Now Youngster… (2008)

30.  Vampire Weekend // Vampire Weekend (2008)

Honorable mentions (AKA stuff that would be higher if I knew it better) : Animal Collective // Sung Tongs (2004) , Radiohead // Amnesiac (2001) , The Microphones // It Was Hot So We Stayed In The Water (2000) , Yo La Tengo // And Then Nothing Turned Itself Inside Out (2000), The Strokes // Is This It (2001), The Shins // Chutes Too Narrow (2003), Kanye West // Graduation (2007), Wavves // Wavvves (2009), LCD Soundsystem // Sound of Silver (2006), Modest Mouse // Good News For People Who Love Bad News (2004), of Montreal // Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer? (2007), Bloc Party // A Weekend In The City (2007), No Age // Nouns (2008), The Knife // Silent Shout (2006), TV on the Radio // Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes (2004), The Flaming Lips // Embryonic (2009)